so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
