Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
