I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
