toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
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