I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
