woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
