You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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