I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
