if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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