smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I can text with my tongue
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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