My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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