***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
