I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
