I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
