How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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