I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize