Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
