party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
pray to the hookup gods
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
