her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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