So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
