my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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