U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize