Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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