dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
