if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
