well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
