I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
