Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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