Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
