she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize