remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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