I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
