guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
