what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
