I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
The air taste purple.
Randomize
