Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
