Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
