My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
