I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
