If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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