I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Randomize
