Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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