you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
