Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
