I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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