who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
