I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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