so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
