This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I showed him my bush... on skype.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
