Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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