Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
