my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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