my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
