My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
