the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
