I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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