Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
being pregnant is like rehab
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize