i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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