Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
