So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
