I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
