I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
