Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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